I need to stop and ask for directions.....

I'm so incredibly frustrated. I'm angry. Yes angry. I'm never angry but I am. Part of that has to do with my past abuse and issues I'm still dealing with but the smaller cause is that I feel so discombobulated. I have no direction right now. I am disabled, in pain and I don't even know if I can hold down a job. Now I don't even know if what I am doing in the survivor world is helping anyone or if in fact I'm just a bother to those who are the real workers. WTF ?! I need to stop and ask for directions because I sure am lost. I can't tell my lefts from my rights normally but now I don't know up from down. "Dear greater being(s) please help me find my way easily and peacefully."

This time of the year is always more difficult for me due to my abuse history. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas it was the worst. Very very very bad. I still can't shake that yet since it happened many years ago. I feel like I need a retreat... to a peaceful place that is just very different. At least 4 hours from where I am. I still do not feel safe at my location because he is still out their. In theory he still is a threat also. But has left me alone for a year or so now. My chest now is tightening up, and my eyes are moist. But I will not cry. I was taught never to cry when I was little. I got in trouble if I ever did. Now that is healthy right?! :NOT: I know they just didn't want to see me in pain, but still. Kids need to cry some times for good reasons. You should not teach them to never cry. It kind of fucks them up for life a little bit, but I guess no matter what we are all fucked up a bit in the end, it just is how fucked up you are that is a determining factor.

Well that was a side track...

See I need directions, I can't even figure out where my blog post is going. Where is my life going? What is my purpose? When I was 10 years old or younger I knew my purpose in life was to help people. From this I knew I wanted to learn as much as I could about medicine so I would never be put in a situation that I wouldn't be able to help someone that needed it. But now, even though I've changed the way I am helping people, I don't know if I am actually helping people. And I feel many times, I might just be a bother? Am I? And who will be honest with me to say yes or no? If I could trust someone and they said I'm not then I would continue working hard and work harder doing what I do. But until I see or feel something change or see some sort of sign of purpose, I need to find some freaking directions or I'm just going to get more turned around. So for now, I'm just going to pull over at this gas station and wait for someone who looks good to ask for directions. Maybe they will just tell me without me having to ask. That is what I would prefer!

Some days....

Some days, I would say most days. I feel so powerful and strong. Like I'm able to take on the world. But today is not one of those days. This time of the year is always hard for me. It is the time of the year in which what I survived was at its worst point. As soon as Fall hits, it hits me, and continues until about Jan/Feb when the worst of it ended. I feel my body relive the experiences just from the feeling of cold weather on my skin. I don't want to be touched as much during this time. Its hard a little because Fall was and if it wasn't for this, is my favorite time of the year. As Angela Shelton has said about other things "I need to take my" Fall back. I want to enjoy this time of Thanksgiving and Christmas without the flashbacks. I will never ever like santa ornaments and other santa things because that reminds me too much of his home. You know how Angela said that when someone is with you- willingly or not, they are in your spirit and body for 7 years. This Fall will be seven years. Also the end of the time that I can try to prosecute in anyway. It frustrates me that all survivors of all ages in all circumstances don't have the right to prosecute/ press charges at any time no matter how many years after the incidents. Hell, most of the courts and survivors know that like no rapist, or batterer will ever be convicted because survivors are in my opinion treated as less than human beings. So at least give us the right to say that they did something because they(the perp) probably no make that almost definately will never ever be convicted. But just by having the option to do so, having the option to speak out when we are ready no matter how long that takes, is something that we need as survivors for all aspects of our health and peace of mind.

Do you know how sickening it is to know that someone is out there that is capable to many horrid acts, and is more likely than not continuing to commit them? It rips apart my body. What can they be doing to others? Is it my fault? (No its not by the way!) But its something we all think about.

My time is counting down..... I feel like I've been silenced by the police in a recent attack, Some days I do feel like giving up this whole fight, but then I just think about everyone else who is in these same shoes and I can't. But at this moment I need to recharge. I need to give my self the love that it deserves as all of you really should. We all need and are deserving of love, and I really really care about each and everyone of you that I talk to, are friends with on FB and other sites, and those of you out there that are not ready to share yourself with me or others yet. I can't stop telling others how amazing they are, and how much they help me in my crusade to educated survivors, and end all forms of abuse. As Angela Shelton says, we are Angels, Queens, Kings, Princes, Princesses and my favorite Goddesses. We deserve to be treated as such and treat ourselves as such because that is who we really are!

Dear Angela: I want to cry

I want to cry. I'm saddened by my physical pain. Right now my light is coming from my four footed friend. The pain engulfs my body and swallows me alive locking me out from life. It is scary and lonely in this world of mine much of the time. I just wish I had a better doctor than I do now- the one I have now is - STUPID- I'm only going to the actually an NP for the medicine. I'm so looking forward to my move!

A wonderful dream!

I had a wonderful dream this morning! I only remember bits of it which is unusual for me when I remember a dream but I think because I felt so strongly about it that is why I remembered it.

My dream: I remember that I was speaking out to survivors, at a grand hotel. I was in a beautiful suite and looked amazing (maybe that was because I felt so good about my hair cut I just got!). So I was speaking to the women, there were about 50. All sorts of survivors with as many different backgrounds as the colors of the rainbow. But they were all connected. We were all connected. I felt so incredibly powerful, and I was bringing my power to them. I saw them, when I was speaking on being powerful and finding your light and how to cope with life, then they all clicked, all of their light bulbs went on. It was an amazing feeling of energy that filled the room. I remember feeling like it was encircling all of us and growing stronger. I then remember in my dream that a few of the women followed me and wanted to talk with me more, and I had a revelation when I was with them and I told them about it. We were walking through the hotel and their were many horrible men hitting on us and other things. Some were very crewed. All I did was snap my fingers and they(the inappropriate men) disappeared. ::Poof:: Every time it worked. Some how I knew that they were still there but I new in my heart that I am not bothered by them any more. So I told the women how I just snapped my fingers when someone is around that I don't like, then I am able to completely ignore them in all aspects. I can't even hear what they say. Some of the men in my dream were telling me that I was stupid like my abuser would (by the way I'm waaaaaaaaay smarter than my abuser) . But I was so strong and powerful and all the women were able to do it to, we all just started snapping our fingers and people didn't bother us. We could handle anything. It was such an amazing feeling.

------end of dream

Now I'm going to try this in real life! And see if this works! The life of a survivor and anyone is full of baby steps. Just like Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man, one giant leap for man kind"..... My version, "One baby step in fleeting moments, one giant leap for life"

We must always recognize our little baby steps that we take each day. For example just by reading this article is a step, by getting up and starting your day is a step. Take hold and power of your baby steps because it leads to a path. A path of choices, some are hard, but baby steps always makes life easier to handle.

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New Song I wrote: "Life's Flight" by Sydney Smith (me!)

It will also be posted on AUU and possibly FB

Title "Life's Flight"
By:Sydney Smith

As the wind blows
the plane catches flight
just life life
the world spins round
pulling us

Too young we chart our course
blinded by the glare of dawn
Living into, pushing through
imaginary life

Maybe in time
voices of others, will bow down
take your moment
don't be broken or lay down
grasp your wheel, take a breath
and leave the rest behind

As the wind blows
your plane climbs high
looking through the shifting haze
searching

Searching for the unimaginary
Life's begging for the honor of truth
only with your defience can you
have nothing left behind

Don't be afraid,
Don't turn around on this flight
We've finally found our sacred path now
Dusk pulls into cover all that remains

As the wind blows
the plane catches flight
just like life
but now we are touching solid ground

As the wind blows
our plane catches flight
Spinning us around until we touch.. solid ground
...until we touch solid ground
...and don't let go of your own, solid ground

Hurray!!!

Yeaa for new technology! I've been fighting with a 5+ year old computer for a while now and am finally free. Now I don't have to worry about my computer shutting down on me randomly, not typing, and over heating all the time. Yeaaa! and I bought a new mac! I LOVE it! Very nice for creative things. I'll use a lot of the new apps for my AUU website :) really liking Garage band so hopefully the website will have music soon!

http://sites.google.com/site/sydneysmithproject

You Do Have the SMARTS!

"its funny when I hear you say that, I know you are smarter than you think you are but that is because we have been abused...we are on auto pilot to think less of ourselves....always!.....it always takes someone else to tell us differently- .....and we can't believe it because we have been told and shown otherwise all other times"~Sydney Smith /ME! in a conversation with another survivor

I talk with many survivors, all of which are wonderful people from many different backgrounds and many different stories. Each of which I hold close to my heart and think about more often then not. I hear what they don't say. Like above, when I hear the subtle ques telling me that they think they aren't smart, and this is because they were told that most likely by an abuser. I love these survivors. They work so hard and are beautiful people inside and out. It is really amazing to me how they can come to me feeling as though the world is over, when after we start talking honestly with each other, we sometimes see the light to the path where the world has just begun. Yes the road is not an easy one, and at times a lonely one, but very much like Angela Shelton's dreams I see people and accomplishments with joy, light and power spilling over the negative space. So YEAAAAA!

A request for Domestic Violence Signs

Hello everyone! I had a request for Domestic Violence signs so here is a link I found that seems to be pretty good esp at the bottom. I hope it helps and if you would like more just leave me a message here or on twitter or email me!

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm